The Baffling Feelings That Come With Motherhood Are SO Hard to Talk About

Feb 16, 2022

More times than I care to admit, I get burnt out from being a mom. To get even more raw, I get burnt out from just BEING, sometimes. Give me a moment where I’m not being talked at, screamed at, touched, or poked. Give me a moment when I just belong to myself. Going out by myself is usually the way I get to decompress, process, think, not think… whatever I need at that time. It makes me a better mom, a better spouse, and a better me.

Yet, the second I get into my car and engulf myself in the silence, I miss my child. I crave her. It’s really a curious thing about motherhood, such intense and conflicting feelings warring with each other. This is common for mothers to feel, yet still so hard and overwhelming to define because of its complex, confusing, and overwhelming nature.

But I’ll still try to define it as I experience it.

For me, I first feel relief and excitement that I get to have time to myself and have a change of scenery. I anticipate getting my own stuff done.

Then, I feel guilt thinking about other moms I know who do not have the support and option to just get in a car and drive for some peace. While I do not get time to myself as often as I need, it is still a luxury I have that too many moms don’t, and for this, I am grateful.

I feel frustrated because I usually end up running errands instead of actually taking the time to do something purely for me. Usually, that would mean hanging out in a book store or reading in a coffee shop. The pandemic has severely cut my “for me” list short, especially during the winter months. While running errands gives me the quiet and unhurried peace I need, it is not really “me time.” It’s still work. It’s still work that I am doing FOR my family. It’s frustrating that I’m doing work for someone else yet again instead of focusing just on myself. It’s frustrating that this has become my go-to in order for me to be recharged when I get home. But am I actually recharged, or was it just the low-pressure feeling of getting work done without a demanding toddler tugging me in a thousand directions at once?

I feel tired because I am not getting any real rest.

I feel loneliness because it’s hard to translate these feelings and make sense of them, especially when all these feelings take over too quickly and intensely. They are tiring to manage and work through while often being unable to speak it all out loud to someone.

I feel motivated to get back home and hopefully be a better me.

I feel happy and productive that I did get something done. Crossing off something from the checklist is so satisfying!

This, all of this, is my reality almost every time I step out of the house by myself. Although it's difficult to remember this, it’s nothing to be guilty of, ashamed of, or worried about. It just is, and for me, it’s what part of motherhood is.

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